BANANA STAND ARCHIVESALL THE NEWS THAT FITS IN A VERY SMALL STAND.
Fictional local reporting on actual Arrested Development episode events. Our editorial independence has been questioned by several Bluths.
BREAKING NEWS · QUITE LITERALLY
Banana stand burns. Financial advice turns out to be literal.
FILE PHOTO: THE STAND DURING A MORE STRUCTURALLY CONFIDENT PERIOD.
A family disagreement over running the business ended with the stand in flames. Michael allowed George Michael to burn it, believing a break from family oversight might do everyone good.
“There’s always money in the banana stand.”
— George Sr.
George Sr. then revealed that $250,000 had been hidden inside the walls. Management regrets that the original advice was interpreted as a metaphor.
The family’s recovery plan currently consists of rebuilding and speaking more literally.
Local teenagers have continued their holiday tradition of dumping the Bluth banana stand into the bay. Michael used the company crane to retrieve it, setting the family’s own holiday tradition—rebuilding it—back in motion.
The business remains committed to its waterfront location, although management would prefer the water to stay outside.
Family opens second stand within arguing distance.
GOB and Steve Holt opened a competing banana stand a short distance from the original. Michael and George Michael responded with the calm, measured strategy for which the family is not known.
Competition escalated. George Sr.’s involvement complicated matters. Local customers briefly enjoyed an unprecedented choice of two nearly adjacent family disputes.
A dispute over free bananas led to a creative breakthrough: GOB’s Mr. Bananagrabber, a cartoon mascot with an oddly familiar personal style.
Michael acquired the animation rights as part of a deal that secured GOB’s free bananas. The family has once again demonstrated a highly unconventional approach to valuing intellectual property.
Our financial desk recommends getting the number of chocolate dips in writing.
“Original” banana stand faces an awkward follow-up question.
Annyong’s grandfather had the frozen-banana idea first. The Bluths took it, and Lucille later arranged for the original vendor to be deported. The family’s preferred founding story skips this part.
Annyong eventually revealed his plan to avenge his grandfather and turned the family’s corporate misconduct over to the authorities. It was an unusually thorough response to a customer-service issue.
Management is reviewing whether “original” needs quotation marks. Annyong has declined a complimentary banana.
Family meeting becomes an unlicensed poultry demonstration.
GOB, Lindsay, Lucille, and George Sr. each have a signature chicken dance. None of their performances has brought the family any closer to identifying an actual chicken.
Disagreements continue to be settled through flapping, stomping, and increasingly confident bird noises. Michael’s requests for basic poultry accuracy have gone unanswered.
For customers checking the menu: we still only sell bananas. The chicken dance is apparently a management service.
